I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
