In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
