I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
