life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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