I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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