He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
