We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
