I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
