I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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