I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
