just tell him i said nine months
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize