Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
