I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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