i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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