I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
