you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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