She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
