sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
