"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
