Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
