I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Jerry, you need to find god
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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