I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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