Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
