I wish I could teleport
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
