I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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