Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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