cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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