If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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