It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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