I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
