Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
a search helicopter?!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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