Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
