Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
