my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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