If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
This baby is an asshole
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
