i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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