Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
