God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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