when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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