About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize