i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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