Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Found the puke drawer
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
