woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
