Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
