Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
