I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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