Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
