Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I want a musical about memes.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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