Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
