the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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