You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
