The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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