I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
