i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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