I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Randomize
